GP Who Wants To Be A Commissionaire?

Chris Tarrant (to camera): Welcome back to GP Who Wants To Be A Commissionaire? – our new show in which your GP competes to see how big a budget he or she can win with which to buy your healthcare. In the chair tonight is Professor Stevie Paddock, hot from the Royal College.

(audience cheers from the RCGP camp; Tarrant turns to Paddock)

Tarrant: How are you feeling, Stevie?

(music swells as camera zooms in to Paddock who looks hot and sweaty)

Tarrant: Take your time, Stevie, before answering.

(music swells again; beads of sweat appear Paddock’s forehead)

Paddock: Nervous.

(long pause filled with more music)

Tarrant: Are you sure?

Paddock: Yes.

Tarrant (after pause): Is that you final answer?

Paddock: Yes. Final Answer.

Tarrant: Stevie, you have already won two billion pounds to spend on healthcare for your patients. (long pause filled with audience cheers, this time from patients). You can leave now with that two billion (short pause) but you are just one more question (longer pause) away (pause, music swells) from (pause, music swells louder) our top prize (pause, music swells even louder) of five billion pounds! (audience looses it and starts screaming). What (pause) Stevie (pause) do you want to do?

(camera zooms in to Paddock)

Paddock: I’ll play.

(audience screams louder)

Tarrant: Let’s play (pause) GP Who Wants To Be A Commissionaire!

(camera swivels wildly, lights flash like fireworks and the audience starts jumping up and down and screaming even louder)

Tarrant: You’ve already got two billion. Question number twelve is for five billion pounds. It’s this: (speaks extra slow and clear; on screen display shows question as it is read out) An elderly man collapses and complains of crushing chest pain. It is likely he is having: (a) a bit of a laugh (b) a heart attack (c) a panic attack or (d) you on (again)?

Paddock (looks shocked; sucks teeth; shakes head in dismay) Umm… I’ve got… I’m…not sure…

Tarrant: Professor Stevie – which is it to be? (pause) Five billion pounds. (pause) Please tell me: is this man (a) having a laugh (pause) (b) a heart attack (pause) (c) a panic attack (pause) or (d) (pause) you on?

Paddock: It could be a heart attack. But then you never know. Some punters are always trying to catch you out. Maybe he’s having me on.

Tarrant: Or it could be a panic attack. (pause) Or he might be having a laugh. (pause) Five billion pounds. (a faint edge of contempt appears in Tarrant’s voice ) Which is it, Stevie?

Paddock: God help me if I know…

Tarrant: Five billion pounds. You have used two of your lifelines, but you still have Phone NHS Direct. Do you (pause) want to (pause) phone NHS Direct?

Paddock: Of course! Of course!

(sound of phone ringing)

Tarrant: They always take ages to answer, so we’ll take a break. Don’t go away!

(commercial break runs; return to Commissionaire; phone is still ringing. Finally line clicks as it is answered)

Tarrant: Chris Tarrant here. Good evening. We’re right in the middle of Commissionaire. We’ve got Stevie here who’s stuck on a particular question worth five billion pounds. Can you help?

NHS Direct Voice: Hello? NHS Direct here. Can I help you?

Paddock: We’ve got a elderly man here who might be having a heart attack…

NHS Direct Voice: Sir, if it might be a heart attack, you need to dial 999, or call your GP…

Paddock: I am a GP! Get me out of here!

Smooth Female Voiceover: Wrong show, Stevie. This is Millionaire, not I’m a Celebrity….

Paddock: Aaaaghhhhh….