Medium shot of Kemp standing, arms folded across chest, outside a Nissen Hut.
KEMP (to camera): I’ve been given exclusive access to one of the most feared gangs in the country. A gang responsible for mayhem and misery on a colossal scale, a gang so powerful that it can and at times does hold the country to ransom, but, at the same time, never shirks from bank-rolling its pals. A gang so heinous that few dare speak its real name. Instead, it is the gang simply known as (dramatic pause) The Cabinet.
Camera pans to Nissen Hut, then back to Kemp who walks towards hut. Shaky handheld camera follows. The door has a dilapidated sign nailed to it which says ’Keep Out’.
KEMP (over shoulder to camera as he walks): I am not allowed to speak to them, and even if I did, they wouldn’t listen.
Crunchy gravel sound of Kemp’s boots as he walks towards hut.
KEMP: Instead I’ve been given access to a keyhole in the side of the hut, through which I can watch and listen to what is going on. I’m not expecting it (dramatic pause) to be pleasant.
Jerky clattery picture & sound as camera is lined up with the keyhole. Kemp puts on a large set of headphones.
KEMP (twiddling knobs on camera): We’re getting something…
Screen goes blank, then returns with a dimly lit scene of a group of men sitting rat blown sofas…
CAMMA: OK guys, it’s time we nuked the NHS.
LANSOP: Too right, boss.
TOSSER: Hey guys, we can’t do that – my bro might get hurt.
CAMMA: Shut up tosser, he’s a druggie. He needs nuking too.
TOSSER (looks anguished): Cripes!
WINKS (still in evening dress): Anyone for Tennis?
LANSOP (ignoring Winks): How’s we going to do it boss?
COULI (sitting to one side in front of a holographic war board): Incoming phone tap, boss…
CAMMA: What can you tell us about it, Couli?
COULI: Nothing. Sorry.
CAMMA: You’re fired. Get out.
KEMP (voiceover): I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there.
Camera jerks wildly as it is withdrawn from keyhole, screen goes black.
COULI (distant and fading melodic voice over blank screen): When a spokesman needs a spokesman…
KEMP (heavy breathing, still voiceover blank screen): That was close…
More heavy breathing, then shaky handheld shot of Kemp.
KEMP: I guess if we are ultra careful, we might be able to start filming again.
Camera jerks back to keyhole, and dimly lit interior.
PEGG (lying on ground at CAMMA’s feet): Woof! (gets up, and walks over to stack of road cones and relieves himself on them) I do so like a bit of woof!
CAMMA: You stupid boy…
LANSOP (extracts a pale latex glove from his pocket, which he inflates as he speaks): I think (puff) boss (puff) I’ve got an idea. (continues to inflate) Who’s got the biggest (puff) ego in the health service?
PEGG: You!
CAMMA: Shut up, you stupid boy…
LANSOP (still inflating glove, which is now beach ball sized): The GPs, of course!
WINKS: Vermin!
CAMMA: Carry on, Lansop.
LANSOP: Well – we give them everything. Power, control, even the entire NHS budget. (continues to inflate glove, which is now hideously large). It’ll so over-inflate their egos…(he puts a final puff into the glove, which he then holds at arm’s length and studies with interest)…that it can only be a matter of time…(takes his tie pin and moves it slowly towards the painfully over-inflated glove)…before they go…
Quick cross-cut to Kemp, who has legs crossed, eyes closed and fingers in ears
KEMP: I can see things are about to kick off, but I daren’t…
LANSOP:…Pop! (after a suitably dramatic pause sticks pin in glove which bursts impressively; everyone jumps; awed brief silence). Done! Blow out the GPs – and then bang! – no more NHS!
CAMMA: Brill! You got the job, Lansop. Report back to me when it’s done.
LANSOP: Cool, boss. You can rely on me. I’ve been working on this one for years… (extracts a Mickey Mouse balloon from his jacket pocket, and starts slowly to inflate it…)
KEMP (to camera, outside hut, visibly shaken): Gawd, that was close! Guess it’s time I got out of here. Next time, I’ll be looking into the gang known simply as…
Brilliant post!
The latex glove is well burst …. so not bottom-up after all!
Why did I believe Dave when he said he would look after our NHS?
It is becoming increasingly clear that this is not a bottom up GP led commisiong, as we were promised, and in which I saw some merit. It is further centralised control. I can’t say that I am completely surprised, only disappointed. Politicians and civil servants will never voluntarily give up their powers, it is power that is their motivation. They do not trust the public or profession with freedom.
This bill will be more contentious than the tuition fees. It may prove a major distraction from the deficit reduction. It is mistaken to fight on too many fronts similtaneously.
My Black Cat has just spied a bird that is far to big for her to catch and deposit be-headed on the floor of The Spell Pantry.
She’s madly chasing her tail because she never thought of this conspiracy first:
http://blogs.independent.co.uk/2011/01/20/shock-therapy-for-the-nhs/
Stupid cat!
I saw that article as well and thought, ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’ WD. Your Black Cat has company..
I know that my own GP and his team are hostile to the changes. I just hope that enough practices in his area can band together to form a like-minded consortium that will protect patients as far as they are able.
I can’t fathom out what will happen to the local NHS PFI hospitals. Will they go bankrupt of they can’t get the contracts or what? Someone’s still got to pay the PFI money. Will consortia be able to take into account how much they will still have to pay on the PFI contracts when assessing who’s offering the best value for money in the tendering process?
What is clever – but we have to hope not clever enough – is that the government have wrapped the shock/chaos bomb in a warm blanket called GP commissioning. This has fooled many of the public who have been conned (sic) to think that it must be ‘a good thing’ – and so see no reason to speak against it.
Anonymous – the relationship between your local GP and his/her consortium is already very muddy, and is set to become bloodied. JB has posted a link that reveals that, far from local consortia looking after their patients’ interests, they will be the ones telling your GP what he/she must and must not do…
And forget the bonfire of the quangos. The real bonfire will be the bonfire of the PFIs – burning our money on the back of crooked contracts.