Opening Titles: Camera swoops across London teaching hospital rooftops – St Thomas’, Guy’s Tower, the cruciform Royal Free. The second half of Mars from Holst’s The Planets throbs loudly. Cut to UCL’s Accident & Emergency entrance at night. A large NHS blue Roller, Registration Mark NHS 1, arrives, with what appears to be a Belisha Beacon in the back seat. The door opens, and Lord Sugar steps out, looking very grim. He points at an Ambulance Paramedic.
Sugar: You’re Fired.
Paramedic: Thank you, Lord Sugar. (walks off, trailing a defibrillator trolley on wheels, towards a waiting taxi. The Belisha Beacon gets noticeably oranger).
Voiceover: The NHS. A decayed, inefficient state monopoly that consumes money as a waterfall does water. Waste is everywhere, and indifference is rife. Even nice Gerry Robinson couldn’t fix the NHS. Lord Sugar has had enough.
Sugar (to camera): It’s a shambles, a bloody disgrace.
Sugar strides off menacingly, finger-pointing arm extended Dr Who robot-like, towards the hospital entrance.
Voiceover: Lord Sugar is on the lookout for a politician, a politician to help him privatise the NHS.
Cut to news footage of Broken Arrow waving his arms in the air.
Voiceover (subtitle: Previously…): Previously on NHS – The Apprentice… Broken Arrow narrowly escaped being fired after a disastrous presentation at a major conference…
Cut to hospital foyer. Candidates stare at a vast LCD screen on which a large disembodied orange head appears.
Sugar (on screen): Your task this week is to devise a business plan to privatise the NHS, and then pitch that plan to two top accountancy firms, KPMG and McKinsey. There’s not much these firms don’t know about how to privatise the NHS, so you’d better get it right. Whichever team produces the most outlandish scheme will win, and in the losing team, one of you will get fired. All clear?
Candidates (all): Yes, Lord Sugar.
The show runs. Highlight: Theresa ‘Edna’ May, in leather arm length gloves and high heel boots, strutting the stage, delivering a pitch in husky tones through a head mike…“Private is big…… Private is bold… I’m going to share a secret with you guys today…” No one has a clue what she is talking about.
Fast Forward forty minutes: a boardroom. Sound of running water, and in the background a man appears to be taking a shower behind frosted glass. Camera pans round room. Karen is filing her nails; Nick appears to be trying to drill a hole in the opposite wall with his eyes. All candidates are shiny, fidgety and nervous: Team-Con on the left, Team-Ed on the right.
Ed-1 (sotto vocce to Ed-1): Better dead than red, eh?
Ed-2 (sotto vocce to Ed-2): Too wight!
Running water stops. A frosted glass door opens and a steaming fully clothed Lord Sugar walks in, carrying a bow, a broken arrow, and some gaffer tape which he places on the table. Momentary cut to close-up of Broken Arrow looking perplexed.
Sugar (sitting down): That’s better.
Candidates (all): Yes, Lord Sugar.
Sugar: In many ways, this task is the task in this process. If you can’t come up with a way to privatise the NHS, then you are no use to me. Do I make myself clear?
Candidates (all): Yes, Lord Sugar.
Sugar (still steaming): Good. (menacingly) It’s a pity I didn’t seem to make myself clearer when I set this task… Team-Con? Dave, you was team leader?
Dave: Yes, Lord Sugar.
Sugar: Good Leader?
Long pregnant pause.
Broken Arrow: Yes. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant!
Sugar: In control? You see, Dave, a little bird told me you was outta control. You didn’t even know who was in your bloody team. I heard you was in the living room, on that bloody sofa, while some geezer you don’t know was running round your kitchen?
Dave (now very very shiny): Yes, Lord Sugar.
Sugar: One more ‘Yes, Lord Sugar’ from you, and you’re fired.
Dave: Y– (just manages to stop himself in time).
Sugar: Team-Ed? Your leader?
Ed-1: Me, Lord Sugar.
Sugar: You put yourself forward as team leader?
Ed-1: Well, not exactly. We’re all brothers in Team-Ed. I just got chosen, that’s all.
Sugar (scowling): Hmmm…doesn’t sound much like leadership to me…good leader?
Ed-2 (glibly): Two Eds are better than one, Lord Sugar!
Sugar: Very funny. What ain’t so funny was your pitch. You was all dressed up as undertakers, crowing about doom and death – what’s upbeat about that? Where’s the business in that? Who’s idea was it?
Undertaker Healey (in a slow sombre monotone): I was, Lord Sugar. We are the official Opposition, and it is our duty to oppose this broken, discredited…
Sugar: I’ve give you opposition, my boy. Now, my advisers (pauses to read report on desk) at KPMG and McKinsey tell me that both teams were a disgrace. A bloody disgrace! (stares belligerently at both teams) But Team-Ed – you was less bad – so get out, and get back to the House.
Team-Ed (in unison): Yes, Lord Sugar.
Sugar: Get Out. Now, Team-Con, you lot are supposed to be the experts on this privatisation business, and yet you did worse than Team-Ed. You lost! – and you shouldn’t’ve lost this task! (pushes broken arrow and gaffer tape towards Karen, who runs finger sensuously up and down arrow and then mends it with gaffer tape) I am personally sick and tired of this Government. If I had my way, I’d fire the bloody lot of you. As it is, one of you will get fired. Dave – as team leader – who should I fire?
Dave: Cleggover. He pretends to be on-side, and then stabs me in the back. I always said he was a joke.
Sugar: Oh really? I heard you was best buddies now. (absent-mindedly fingers bow; Karen slides mended arrow towards him) Hmmm. Broken Arrow – you was the so-called brains behind this farce. It’s your fault – you’re responsible for the failure of this task. Why shouldn’t I fire you?
Broken Arrow: I’m broken. I can’t be fired.
Sugar: We’ll see about that, shall we? (reaches for bow and mended arrow) Well, my arrow ain’t broke no more. Let’s see what it can do. (draws back bow and aims it at Cleggover then Dave then Cleggover again before settling on Broken Arrow)
Sugar: You’re fired!
We see the arrow leave the bow and in flight then crash cut to closing credits.
Voiceover: Next week on NHS – The Apprentice…