The government continues to push its quaint vision of local GPs doing local healthcare commissioning. Many who know rather more about the National Health Service than the government do have pointed out this is a non-starter. But let us imagine for a moment what might happen if all GPs did take on commissioning. It might go something like this:
Scene: Walmington-on-Sea Church Hall. Platoon drawn up, Mainwaring and Wilson face them.
MAINWARING: Right, Men. I’ve a very important announcement to make. (inflates chest) We’ve orders from the ministry to fix the NHS. Its going to be the next big thing. (inflates chest further, taps swagger stick on flipchart for emphasis) Its called Home Guard Commissioning. We’re going to show these Johnny-come-lately American chaps how it’s done.
Not content with just nuking the NHS – so last year, my dear – it now appears that Lang-Ho and the Con-Doms – fresh from turning a blind eye to city bonuses – are lining up to offer their private healthcare pals an eye-watering billion dollar bung to ‘ease’ their entry into the post-NHS healthcare market.
The Tories, it seems, have the hots for Big Bangs. In 1986, they famously blew open the Stock Market, deregulating the financial markets, arguably paving the way to a rather different kind of bang, more crash-bang than Big Bang, twenty one years later. Today’s Tory Big Bang target is none other than our National Health Service. Agent Lansley has been charged with blowing it to smithereens. Even before the debris settles, any willing cowboy will be welcomed to ride off with rich pickings, the drear and dross discarded, as dust on the desert floor.
Medium shot of Kemp standing, arms folded across chest, outside a Nissen Hut. 
In the light of the BBC’s blackout of news coverage of the NHS revolution, certain insurgents within the Corporation have been making their own programmes to cover the shortfall. Dr No was lucky enough to be given access to I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’s NHS Special – and has kindly been given permission to publish a short extract. 
So – this is the day that Cambuffoon and his Lillie Langtry are to sprinkle drops of NHS blood on the oceans of commerce; and already the corporates are circling, to devour the NHS as a shark does its prey. Rich fat and valuable flesh will be stripped from bone, and all will go, save the profitless indigestible carcass of the weak, the poor, the chronic and the incurable.
Many doctors in the United Kingdom will have recently received a copy of Count Rubin’s New Year round-robin ‘Be Ye of Good Cheer’ letter. Dr No can reveal that Count Rubin has also recorded a New Year message, shortly to be made available to younger members of the profession who either can’t be bothered to open GMC letters, or if they do, lack the motivation to read them. In keeping with the Council’s new media-rich interactive way, this message will be made available as a podcast. For older members of the profession who can’t be messing with all that new-fangled stuff, Dr No is pleased to present The Official Transcript of Count Rubin’s New Year Podcast to the Profession:
Dr No has 
By way of a reply to WD and Dr Boots’ latest comments on Dr No’s last post.