ANIMATION: including dancing Botticelli Venus, which links to locum agency: medical staffing officer (CLEESE) walks into the agency carrying a dead doctor in a cage. He walks to counter where a recruitment consultant (PALIN) tries to hide below cash register.
Cleese Hello, I wish to register a complaint . . . Hello? Miss?
Palin What do you mean "miss"?
Cleese Oh, I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Palin Sorry, we’re closing for lunch.
Cleese Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this doctor what I hired not half an hour ago from this very agency.
Palin Oh yes, the FY2. What’s wrong with it?
Cleese I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it.
Palin No, no, it’s resting, look.
Cleese Look, my lad, I know a dead doctor when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Palin No, no, it’s not dead, it’s resting.
Palin Yeah, remarkable doctor, the FY2, beautiful, innit?
Cleese Beautiful don’t enter into it – it’s stone dead.
Palin No, no – it’s resting.
Cleese All right then, if it’s resting, I’ll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello, Doctor! I’ve got a nice pay cheque for you when you wake up, Doctor!
Palin (jogging cage) There it moved.
Cleese No, he didn’t. That was you pushing the cage.
Palin I did not.
Cleese Yes, you did.
Cleese (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) Hello Doctor! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call! (takes doctor out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter, then throws it up in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that’s what I call a dead doctor.
Palin No, no, it’s stunned.
Palin Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was waking up. FY2s stun easily, major.
Cleese Now look, mate, I’ve definitely had enough of this. That doctor is definitely deceased, and when I hired it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long shift.
Palin It’s probably pining for the wards.
Cleese Pining for the wards, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Palin The FY2 prefers kipping on its back. Remarkable doctor, lovely!
Cleese Look, I took the liberty of examining that doctor when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting there in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Palin (pauses) Well, of course it was nailed there. If I hadn’t nailed it down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ’em apart, and voom!
Cleese Voom? Look matey, this doctor wouldn’t voom if you put four million volts through it. It’s bleeding demised.
Palin It’s not, it’s pining.
Cleese It’s not pining, it’s passed on. This doctor is no more. It has ceased to be. It’s expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late doctor. It’s a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn’t nailed it to the cage, it would be pushing up the daisies. It’s kicked the bucket, it’s shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible. This is an ex-doctor.
Palin (pauses) Well, I’d better replace it, then. (looks under counter)
Cleese (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you’ve got to complain till your blue in the mouth.
Palin Sorry guv, we’re right out of doctors.
Cleese I see. I see. I get the picture.
Palin (pauses) I’ve got a nurse.
Cleese Does it talk?
Palin Not really, no.
Cleese Well it’s scarcely a replacement then, is it?
Palin No, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Palin (pauses; then quietly) Do you want to come back to my place?
Cleese (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.