Since the General Medical Council hopped into bed with the Department of Health earlier this year, we have seen surprisingly little in the way of overt matrimonial activity. It does appear, however, that there has much foreplay going on under the duvet, and the happy couple are moving ever nearer to that orgy of wanton destruction that will soon be on us – the orgy of enhanced professional regulation for doctors.
As with any orgy, there will be many players involved. The ones wearing the jackboots, the ones who will marshal their network of leather coated spies and informers, will not of course be known as Nazis, but will instead be responsibly renamed as Responsible Officers.
The Herr Responsible Officers will be drawn from those known to be sympathetic to Reich. Early verk by the Department has suggested zhat ze most fertile ground for recruiting ze Herr Officers is from the ranks of Trust Medical Directors, a cadre of doctors already known for both their loyalty to the Reich, and their zeal for shafting colleagues.
Ze natural sympathy of ze Herr Responsible Officers vor ze Reich vill mean zhat minimal training vill be required to fulfil zair neue roles. Central Command have ordered that one or perhaps two days will be sufficient; and that the first Herr Officers will be in post within twelve months.
Research seen by Central Command suggests that the climate of fear generated by the high visibility of the Herr Responsible Officers will motivate the rank and file to follow orders at all times; jobbing doctors foolish enough to step out of line will be rapidly brought to the attention of their local Herr Responsible Officers for further investigation and treatment.
Those found guilty of crimes against the Reich vill be punished by the Herr Responsible Officers. Building on the ASBO concept, the Herr Officers will have powers to administer summary justice, by issuing APBOs – Anti Professional Behaviour Orders.
APBO scumbags vill be marked viz armbands, and ze Restrikterung Ordnung placed on their practices. Those guilty of ze more henious crimes against ze Reich vill be ordered to attend ze Remediation Camps, vitch vill be established for the purpose of retraining zese deviant doctors to ze Reich standards.
Those guilty of the most severe crimes will be transported to Headquarters in either London and Manchester for summary trial – a process which has been facilitated by lowering of the standard of proof from criminal to civil – with a normal expectation of erasure on conviction.
Provisional calculations suggest that as many as one in twenty doctors will be caught in the Herr Responsible Officers’ nets. Truly an orgy of wanton professional destruction. And yet, apart from the Nazi overlay, none of this is made up. Jobbing doctors who want to ruin their day – or should that be fear for their career – need look no further than here.