GMC Revalidation pilots have started. Dr No’s agents have been secretly filming progress, and a transcript of a recent ‘revalidation event’ follows.
A Responsible Officer’s plush office suite. The RO sits at his desk, holding a long sharp pin of the type favoured by neurologists in one hand, and a wax effigy in the other. He prepares to stick the former into the latter. There is a knock on the door.
Responsible Officer (hides pin and effigy in desk): Come in!
Enter Dr Jane Barton, syringe in hand.
Barton: Trouble at clinic.
Responsible Officer: Oh – what kind of trouble?
Barton: One on’t cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Responsible Officer: Pardon?
Barton: One on’t cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Responsible Officer: I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Barton: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.
Responsible Officer: Well what on earth does that mean?
Barton: I don’t know – Dr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the clinic, that’s all – I didn’t expect a kind of Revalidation Inquisition.
Jarring chord. The door flies open and Cardinal Rubin of the GMC enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Dickson has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang.
Rubin: Nobody expects the Revalidation Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…our two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless efficiency. Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical devotion to Power…Our four…no…amongst our weapons…Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…I’ll come in again. (exit and exeunt)
Barton: I didn’t expect a kind of Revalidation Inquisition.
Jarring chord. They burst in.
Rubin: Nobody expects the Revalidation Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Power, and nice red uniforms – Oh damn! (To Cardinal Dickson) I – I can’t say it, you’ll have to say it.
Dickson: What?
Rubin: You’ll have to say the bit about ‘Our chief weapons are…’
Dickson: I couldn’t do that…
Rubin bundles the cardinals outside.
Barton: I didn’t expect a kind of Revalidation Inquisition.
Jarring chord. They all enter.
Dickson: Er…um…nobody…
Rubin: Expects…
Dickson: Expects…Nobody expects the…er…um…Revalidation…um…
Rubin: Inquisition.
Dickson: I know…I know. Nobody expects the Revalidation Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect…
Rubin: Our chief weapons are…
Dickson: Our chief weapons are…er…er…
Rubin: Surprise.
Dickson: Surprise and…
Rubin: Stop! Stop there! Stop there. Whew! Our chief weapon is surprise…blah, blah, blah, blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against Good Medical Practice. You did…
Dickson: That’s enough. (to Barton) Now, how do you plead?
Barton: I’m innocent.
Rubin: Ha! Ha! Ha!
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER’
Dickson: We’ll soon change your mind about that!
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘DIABOLICAL ACTING’
Rubin: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless…(controls himself with a supreme effort) ooooh! Now, Cardinal, the rack!
Dickson produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Rubin looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger.
Rubin: You…Right! Tie her down. (Fang and Dickson make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack) Right! How do you plead?
Barton: Innocent.
Rubin: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack…oh dear…give the rack a turn.
Dickson stands there awkwardly and shrugs.
Dickson: I…
Rubin (gritting his teeth): I know. I know you can’t. I didn’t want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Dickson: I…
Rubin: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Dickson: Shall I, um…?
Rubin: Oh, go on, just pretend for God’s sake.
Dickson turns an imaginary handle on the side of the rack.
Rubin: Now, old woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. Four counts. Do you confess?
Barton: I don’t understand what I’m accused of.
Rubin: Ha! Then we’ll make you understand! Dickson! Fetch…THE CUSHIONS!
Jarring chord. Dickson holds out two ordinary modern household cushions.
Dickson: Here they are, lord.
Rubin: Now, old lady, you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly – two last chances. And you shall be free – three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Barton: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Rubin: Right! If that’s the way you want it – Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! (Dickson carries out this rather pathetic torture) Confess! Confess! Confess!
Dickson: It doesn’t seem to be hurting her, my lord.
Rubin: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Dickson: Yes, lord.
Rubin (angrily hurling away the cushions): Hm! She’s made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang – fetch…the comfy chair!
Another loud jarring chord. Zoom in on Fang’s horrified face.
Fang: The comfy chair?
Fang pushes in a comfy chair – a really plush one.
Rubin: Yes. So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Dickson, put her in the Comfy Chair! (Dickson roughly pushes her into the comfy chair) Now. You will stay in the comfy chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven…(to Dickson) Is that really all it is?
Dickson: Yes, lord.
Rubin: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot do we? Confess, woman! Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Dickson: I confess!
Rubin: Not you!
Voice Off: I confess.
Rubin: Who was that?