King Field, out-going Chief Pongo.
JD, a Jobbing Doctor.
The Darzi of Dagenham, a Stooge.
Sir Sidney Ruff-Grumble , a Hospital Doctor.
Queen Enchilada, Chief Pongo elect.
Scene I—The Tudor splendour of Richmond House, a GP commissioning group hide-away deep in the heart of the Essex countryside.
Enter King Field, in a silly red and yellow hat.
Field. Infamy, infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!
Enter JD, in a white coat, holding a skull which he addresses.
JD. What a piece of work am I! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty! Now—if only I could get me head round these damn HSMRs before today’s GP commissioning meeting…
Scene I—A folly in the grounds of Richmond House. The Darzi of Dagenham and Sir Sidney Ruff-Grumble are seated on a bench, separated by an elaborate carved oriental screen.
Darzi. May the polyclinic bring blessings on your hospital.
Grumble. And on yours.
Darzi. And may its profits bring success in all your undertakings.
Grumble. And in yours.
Darzi. And may their radiance light up your life.
Grumble. And up yours.
Scene I—A darkened room.
Enter Queen Enchilada and King Field.
Ench. It is about time you took that stupid hat off. I’m boss now.
Field. Alright, have it your own way.
JD. [Within.] My Queen, my Queen, wherefore art thou?
Ench. I’ll warrant you, Fear me not: withdraw, I hear him coming.
[Field goes behind the arras.
JD. Now, my Queen, what’s the matter?
Ench. Thou hast thy Chair much offended.
JD. Thou hast my Chair much offended.
Ench. Come, come, you answer with a forked tongue
JD. Go, go, you speak with a spiked tongue.
Field. [Behind.] Too right, you little shite.
JD. What the fuck was that?
Field. [Behind.] Fuck!
JD. How now! a rat? [Draws.] Dead, for a ducat, dead!
[Makes a pass through the arras.
Field. [Behind.] Oh, I am slain!
[Falls and dies.
Ench. O, what a rash and bloody deed is this!
JD. A bloody deed! almost as bad, my dear Chair,
As sell one’s own, a sordid cruel affair!