Medium shot of Kemp standing, arms folded across chest, outside a Nissen Hut.
KEMP (to camera): I’ve been given exclusive access to one of the most feared gangs in the country. A gang responsible for mayhem and misery on a colossal scale, a gang so powerful that it can and at times does hold the country to ransom, but, at the same time, never shirks from bank-rolling its pals. A gang so heinous that few dare speak its real name. Instead, it is the gang simply known as (dramatic pause) The Cabinet.
Camera pans to Nissen Hut, then back to Kemp who walks towards hut. Shaky handheld camera follows. The door has a dilapidated sign nailed to it which says ’Keep Out’.
KEMP (over shoulder to camera as he walks): I am not allowed to speak to them, and even if I did, they wouldn’t listen.
Crunchy gravel sound of Kemp’s boots as he walks towards hut.
KEMP: Instead I’ve been given access to a keyhole in the side of the hut, through which I can watch and listen to what is going on. I’m not expecting it (dramatic pause) to be pleasant.
Jerky clattery picture & sound as camera is lined up with the keyhole. Kemp puts on a large set of headphones.
KEMP (twiddling knobs on camera): We’re getting something…
Screen goes blank, then returns with a dimly lit scene of a group of men sitting rat blown sofas…
CAMMA: OK guys, it’s time we nuked the NHS.
LANSOP: Too right, boss.
TOSSER: Hey guys, we can’t do that – my bro might get hurt.
CAMMA: Shut up tosser, he’s a druggie. He needs nuking too.
TOSSER (looks anguished): Cripes!
WINKS (still in evening dress): Anyone for Tennis?
LANSOP (ignoring Winks): How’s we going to do it boss?
COULI (sitting to one side in front of a holographic war board): Incoming phone tap, boss…
CAMMA: What can you tell us about it, Couli?
COULI: Nothing. Sorry.
CAMMA: You’re fired. Get out.
KEMP (voiceover): I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there.
Camera jerks wildly as it is withdrawn from keyhole, screen goes black.
COULI (distant and fading melodic voice over blank screen): When a spokesman needs a spokesman…
KEMP (heavy breathing, still voiceover blank screen): That was close…
More heavy breathing, then shaky handheld shot of Kemp.
KEMP: I guess if we are ultra careful, we might be able to start filming again.
Camera jerks back to keyhole, and dimly lit interior.
PEGG (lying on ground at CAMMA’s feet): Woof! (gets up, and walks over to stack of road cones and relieves himself on them) I do so like a bit of woof!
CAMMA: You stupid boy…
LANSOP (extracts a pale latex glove from his pocket, which he inflates as he speaks): I think (puff) boss (puff) I’ve got an idea. (continues to inflate) Who’s got the biggest (puff) ego in the health service?
CAMMA: Shut up, you stupid boy…
LANSOP (still inflating glove, which is now beach ball sized): The GPs, of course!
CAMMA: Carry on, Lansop.
LANSOP: Well – we give them everything. Power, control, even the entire NHS budget. (continues to inflate glove, which is now hideously large). It’ll so over-inflate their egos…(he puts a final puff into the glove, which he then holds at arm’s length and studies with interest)…that it can only be a matter of time…(takes his tie pin and moves it slowly towards the painfully over-inflated glove)…before they go…
Quick cross-cut to Kemp, who has legs crossed, eyes closed and fingers in ears
KEMP: I can see things are about to kick off, but I daren’t…
LANSOP:…Pop! (after a suitably dramatic pause sticks pin in glove which bursts impressively; everyone jumps; awed brief silence). Done! Blow out the GPs – and then bang! – no more NHS!
CAMMA: Brill! You got the job, Lansop. Report back to me when it’s done.
LANSOP: Cool, boss. You can rely on me. I’ve been working on this one for years… (extracts a Mickey Mouse balloon from his jacket pocket, and starts slowly to inflate it…)
KEMP (to camera, outside hut, visibly shaken): Gawd, that was close! Guess it’s time I got out of here. Next time, I’ll be looking into the gang known simply as…