Once again, the BBC proves how far ahead it is of the competition…not to mention Al Jazeera…
Scene: The Radio Four Today programme studio, on air. HUMPH sits at a desk, chewing a carrot. JIMBO sits on a bean-bag, reading an upside down copy of the King James bible. He is muttering to himself.
JIMBO: You say Naughty, I say Kno’ch’oty. What’s in a name? Quite a lot, I suppose, if you are that b*rstard H*nt. F*cking ar…
PRODUCER (within): Shut it, Jimbo.
HUMPH (on air): Earlier today, Jimbo talked to Dr David Bennett, the new Chair of Monitor, the NHS Regulator.
JIMBO (now on air): Gordon Bennett! Ha! Goodmorn, Dr Bennett!
BENNETT (wearing a wire coat hanger MI5 aerial disguised as a pair of spectacles): Good Morning.
JIMBO: Ha! I see – it says here (ruffle of papers) – it says – Ha! – yes – you are going to – errr – excuse me – be the Government’s new health service regulator, a sort of OfDoc? A sort of, if, I suppose, if I might put it that way, a sort of OfQuack?
PRODUCER (to Jimbo, via headphones): Shut it, Jimbo. This isn’t The News Quiz…
BENNETT: You could put it that way, but I refer to see it as FSA to the NHS.
JIMBO: Quite right. Err, FSA?
PRESTON (within): WTF is thaaaat (pause; voice drops an octave) clown (meaningless pause) up (voice rises two octaves) TO!
BENNETT: A sort of Financial Services Authority to the NHS. We’re here to maintain standards…
JIMBO: You see, you mention standards here, and there, and so on, and what’s interesting here is a sort of paradox that people say we’ve got to drive up standards, we’ve got to make things better and improve things and, by common consent, under governments of both parties, that’s sort of made progress over the last couple of decades, that much at least is common ground…
PRODUCER (via headphones): Cut the crap, Jimbo. This isn’t Just A Minute…
JIMBO: Quite so. Mr, err, Dr Bennett, what standard, exactly, is it that you are referring to? You are a doctor, aren’t you? I mean…
BENNETT: Don’t you worry, Jimbo, I’m a proper doctor, not one of those quacks. And the standards I’m referring to are…
JIMBO: Let me just move on to another subject, which is obviously consuming your interest as it is the interest of so many people. There’s a real problem here, if you go about it in an intellectually coherent way, if you like in an academic way, you’re bound to say things, or touch on territory that, to those who are not approaching it in the same way, if you like, on the other side, are going to find deeply offensive and is going to cause great conflict. So how can you do it, and, as it were, get away with it?
BENNETT: Get away with what?
JIMBO: I’m sorry, I haven’t a clue…
PRODUCER (via headphones): Jimbo, I’ve warned you…
HUMPH: There you have it! Jimbo’s lost the plot again. It’s twelve minutes to eight, and time for Thought for the Day, and a lot more sense I expect it will make too. Mahmood Indigo Sheikh Rattle’n’Roll Yes-Sir-That’s-My-Baby Celine Dion is in our Cambridge studio…