2017: Mid term and the Tories have got fed up with pesky doctor led clinical commissioning groups. The government fires all medical commissioners and appoints its own chosen panel members, often high profile individuals with no understanding of the health service. Westminster’s own clinical commissioning group, known locally as the Dragons’ Den, has a panel consisting of Alan Yentob, Lord Sugar, John Humphrys, Jo Brand and, in a nod to glamour, Siobhan Sharpe, who replaces Stilton, fired because all he ever said was ‘absolutely’. The top of Yentob’s head glows, as if there was a halo inside trying to get out, Sugar has blacked himself up and looks like the last king of a minor African state, Humph sits crumpled like a sack of potatoes with a particularly large King Edward with two eyes in it sticking out of the top, and while the other panel members have stacks of tenners on the tables to their sides, Brand has a stack of Black Forest gateaux. Sharpe is taking a selfie.
Standing in front of the panel is Camila Batmanthingy, wearing a collection of Jamaican bedspreads, including a particularly large one on her head. Behind the black rimmed coke bottle glasses her eyes are dark lines in a grin that starts with her mouth and ends at her nostrils.
Sugar (pointing into thin air, eyes bulging): You’re fired!
Sharpe: Here’s the thing…
Batmanthingy (looking at Yentob): Hello, big boy.
Yentob (very smoothly, glow increases perceptibly): Hello, big girl.
Batmanthingy (ingratiating smile): I’m here today to ask for £3 million pounds…
Humph: Ha! That’s the thing, isn’t it? You’re after money, taxpayers’ money, our money …
Batmanthingy: Yes John, that’s why I’m here. I’m here to ask for £3 million pounds of our money so we can help pay for our volunteers’ kids to go to private boarding schools. It’s a shocking but little known fact that our volunteers put so much time and effort into looking after our clients that they have no love, no time, left over for their own children. Too often, these kids end up as feral kids, doing drugs and getting pimped. We want to give them back their hope, their courage and their dignity. To do that, we want to send them to private boarding schools. It’s our way of giving them therapy, of giving them love.
Humph: Ha! That’s the thing…
Sharpe: Let’s peel this banana.
Yentob (head glowing much brighter, as if a dimmer switch has been turned up): I think we’ve got the makings of a programme here.
Sharpe: Hashtag Mashtag!
Brand (disdainfully, as she tucks into a slice of Black Forest gateau): That’s right sister, down the charity cakehole. You’re all the same. Isn’t charity supposed to be begin at home?
Humph: Ha! That’s the thing, isn’t it. Charity begins at home.
Sharpe: Let’s so ride this pony.
Sugar: I don’t make companies that break down, I make the people break down.
Batmanthingy: Jo, you are so right, but at Kids Company our work is our home, which is why our volunteers have no love left over for their own kids. That’s why we need the £3 million, so we can give these kids their courage and dignity and hope back.
Sugar: You’re fired!
Sharpe: Let’s juice this lemon.
Brand (polishing off the last Black Forest gateau): I’m stuffed, but so what?
Yentob: I’m in. Email Number 10: £3m to Camila, D-Notice to Fleet Street. ASAP.
Sharpe: We so love Camila. (thrusts both hands forward palm first in time to the letters) Cee Bee Tee. Cee Bee Tee.
Wingnut (coming up the stairs, rubbing hands together): So there we have it. Dragon’s Den to Number 10 in less than ten minutes. Now that’s what I call a result!