Chris Tarrant (to camera): Welcome back to GP Who Wants To Be A Commissionaire? – our new show in which your GP competes to see how big a budget he or she can win with which to buy your healthcare. In the chair tonight is Professor Stevie Paddock, hot from the Royal College.
(audience cheers from the RCGP camp; Tarrant turns to Paddock)
Tarrant: How are you feeling, Stevie?
(music swells as camera zooms in to Paddock who looks hot and sweaty)
Tarrant: Take your time, Stevie, before answering.
The Hospital Manager’s Association
Top Secret – Eyes Only
The Hospital Manager’s Guide to Massaging HSMRs
Members will be aggrieved to hear that the Doctor Foster Intelligence Unit and its lottery hospital standardised mortality ratios (HSMRs) are here to stay, despite several recent papers showing the methodology to be unsound.
Members will appreciate that they supply the raw data used by Dr Foster, thus providing opportunities to ‘cook’ the figures before they are passed to Dr Foster. The Association does not condone directly tampering with the data; however, faced with the intractable use of flawed statistics, the Association does believe members are entitled to ‘game’ the system to their advantage.
Medium shot of Kemp standing outside GMC Towers.
KEMP (to camera): I’m on my way to meet a gang that has been regularly mixed up in spurious allegations, career assassination, perjury and perverting the course of justice. A truly notorious gang who have been terrorising innocent doctors for more than 150 years, while at the same time always looking after their own. A gang so fearsome in its reputation that its victims refer to it only by its initials. It is the gang simply known as (dramatic pause) The GMC.
GMC Revalidation pilots have started. Dr No’s agents have been secretly filming progress, and a transcript of a recent ‘revalidation event’ follows.
A Responsible Officer’s plush office suite. The RO sits at his desk, holding a long sharp pin of the type favoured by neurologists in one hand, and a wax effigy in the other. He prepares to stick the former into the latter. There is a knock on the door.
BMA Press Office
For Immediate Release
BMA Launches Sexy Doc Show
London, UK February 2010 – Britain’s leading medical association has launched a new TV series starring sexy young docs in a bid to boost trainee numbers.
Modelled on the recent BBC drama Desperate Romantics, the six part Desperate Doctors portrays junior doctor training to be a racy romp through the wards and clinics – far cry from the dull round of failed job applications and endless assessments depicted by many of today’s junior doctors.
FED UP with flagging sales, BMJ editor Fearless Godlee has revamped the boring old British Medical Journal.
She has FIRED all those tedious academics who clog the Journal with silly science.
She has TEAMED UP with Channel 4 to conduct fearless probes in Big Pharma.
Panel (left to right):
Sir Richard Blagsome: handsome, ruthless, bearded entrepreneur. Has plans to airbus patients to third word countries for major operations on the cheap.
Dr Richard “It seemed like a good idea at the time” Smith, late of the BMJ, continues to blog on the BMJ website. It now appears that his former colleagues have been having a laugh at his expense by replacing his erudite words with their own tedious scribblings.
Scene: Bar in a pub next door to a London Teaching Hospital. Enter two male doctors in white coats. Both stand rigidly, almost to attention, looking ahead into the distance.